Last night at about ten thirty our house suddenly filled with the unmistakeable aroma of skunk. It was gag inducing and so strong that you could almost see it in the air. All of our windows were closed and so the source was a bit of a mystery. Actually, the source was a fucking skunk but the mystery was how the hell it was getting in the house. It turned out that the rodent in question had sprayed right beside our central air unit, and the unit itself or our furnace exhaust allowed it’s signature scent to enter the house. Our best guess was the little bastard was digging holes in the lawn alongside the house when the air conditioning unit started, and startled skunks spray.
The good news is we were able to air the house out relatively quickly and further inspection determined that the air conditioning unit itself had been spared from direct spray. Good thing because my experience with skunk is a lot like canned cat food. If either cat food juice or skunk spray gets on you a shower might not help, and you have to learn to live with the smell until you manage to wear it off.
I would like to have a bottle full of capsules of skunk spray.
Someone would need to set up a skunk milking farm and I guess that process would be a bit tricky, but imagine the possibilities for mayhem if you were in possession of bottled skunk. Capsules would be better than an aerosol skunk spray I think, because you could skunk ninja an entire room with a capsule strategically placed under someone’s chair leg. Your ability to get away with being fingered as the culprit is more difficult if you have to whip out a spray can.
Seriously, imagine the possibilities.
Say, that for some reason you’re forced to attend a church service and the guy in the gown isn’t making any sense or he’s fucking around for too long and football is going to start. One skunk capsule and the sermon is over and you’re on your way to see how the Vikings are going to fare. Their running backs haven’t hit any kids lately and so the team should be intact and might even compete.
Having said that, watching the Vikings get the shit kicked out of them is still preferable to two thousand year old direction from a hypocrite who’s eying up the boys for reasons altogether different from Viking running backs. One skunk capsule and the talking stops and the only possibility of injury to the affected is during the stampede to escape.
But sadly, people would fuck it up. Someone would bring one of the capsules on an airplane or set a couple off at a Trump rally and then skunkules would be declared a restricted weapon like brass knuckles or mace. I don’t think that skunkules would be protected in the U.S. by the second amendment, so having them in your possession would probably become illegal fairly quickly.
But still, I’m sure some high end entertainment would occur until the cops got a handle on producers and buyers .Say for example that you were waiting in line on black Friday and you were far enough back in the queue to only dream of getting a new generation x-box, when all of a sudden the air is filled with skunk. Now it’s test your conviction time, and you might just get your game without fists or bullets if you can endure a non-toxic odor for ten minutes or so.
The effect would be better in urban environments for a couple of reasons. First of all, there are likely hordes of big city folk who’ve never experienced an eye watering skunk moment. Rural people would identify the aroma in a heartbeat and would likely mutter, “fuck, skunk,” whereas someone from L.A. would be wondering if chemical warfare were being rained down on the United States. But familiarity with the smell doesn’t change the fact you have a decision to make about how badly you want to stay in the general area.
Maybe the police could even use skunk instead of tear gas. Skanisters for crowd control instead of tasers and water cannons might be a novel approach to non-lethal crowd control. Trust me when I say that fresh skunk is entirely capable of making a person test their convictions at a mass gathering of protest, political or otherwise. Then after a skunk bomb the police could proceed with more aggressive confrontation devices with some assurance that the curious have fucked off and the people left have an agenda that likely includes civil disobedience. Plus, law enforcement can be reasonably sure that anyone sprayed with the skunk cannon isn’t going to the bar or anywhere other than home to a shower, and so the odds of that person behaving unlawfully at another location is minimal.
The problem is that the skunkules would be used on fucking near every occasion because there is always someone who dislikes or disagrees with the reasons for any gathering. Also,there are no shortage of anarchists among us who would use the capsules just to witness the mayhem. Some people just like to watch the world burn I guess.
But the possibilities are endless.Say you’re writing an exam that you aren’t prepared for, or attending a mandatory team building event that sucks badly. A skunkule would resolve your problem.
Or, say you’re surrounded by a horde of male alumni drunkenly and repetitively singing their college rugby fightsong. One skunkule and that shit is over. The problem is that everything in proximity to the reveling rugby retards is also over, and so you have to think this through. Basically, you have to concede that the night is fucked regardless of the use of a skunkule and so there’s really nothing to lose and something to gain from deploying your capsule.
I guess the only solution is to trap a couple of skunks and set up a lab out in the bush somewhere until the process gets ironed out. Then, if you can keep a secret and manage an excuse to your friends and family as to why the hell you always smell like skunk then you would be in possession of the perfect statement weapon. Sole possession of the skunkules would allow you to express your displeasure to films, religious ceremonies, political rallies and any other event where humans gather.
The power would be awesome and would have to be used responsibly. But a person would eventually have a criminal profiler put together a description and the cops would be able to narrow down their suspect pool. An investigator would be able to see connections that would eventually form a pattern. ” Let’s see” says agent Skully, “this is the third time a country concert has been hit and the Trump rally and Fox news attacks mean our perp is a liberal. Let’s get the voters registration and see if a democrat was in all three locations.”
So, in order to cover your tracks it would be necessary to skunk up the odd Enya concert and maybe the Colbert show just to throw the investigators off the scent. I guess that defeats the statement effect though and now you’re just an anarchist that might even get labelled a terrorist. It’s probably best the skunkules aren’t available. I need some more time to think this through.`��