I’m trying to decide how much influence my current state of existence has on my every day behaviour. I’m trying to sort out how many secondary issues I create because of a primary problem. I’m also trying to decide if I actually care that much, or if I’m more inclined to not differentiate between primary and secondary problems, and I’m just going where my mood dictates.
Living in the moment I guess, but with a calculated disregard for how my moment might be affecting other people’s moments. And sometimes with a calculated regard, because the whole point of being a bitch is to fuck up other people’s moments.
So, probably more regard than disregard, but with a decision to make other people uncomfortable, and having consciously determined to not stress about it.
I think this situation is common to everyone from infants to adults. Most adults have a more complicated response to a predicament other than a screaming tantrum. Although I’ve got to say that in my estimation, a goodly percentage of adults simply produce more volume, and have more potential than a toddler to cause damage in one from or another.
That’s still a tantrum though.
So in the course of trying to make the decision I’m talking about, I’ve decided to minimize losing my shit. I think I’ve done reasonably well with this effort. Not because of some magnanimous quality I possess, but because I’ve decided that I can be a prick without being a noisy prick. As I just mentioned, some people are incapable of this and they go straight to cranking up the volume. I assume they do this because their anger hormones block logic, or maybe they’ve never been in possession of logic in the first place, and so volume is their reflex option.
I think that logic is necessary to respond calmly to any kind of confrontation. But words are just as necessary, so that the logic can be delivered in a manner more effectively than volume provides. It’s kind of an art where you can cause discomfort, and at the same time remain personally comfortable.
But, in order to be proficient at the art of calmly being a dick, you need to practice.
Fortunately, the world provides an endless stream of practice opportunities. I’d like to claim that during every offence committed against and around me, that I remained composed and able to instantly retrieve the correct words to dismantle those offences. But that would be untrue. I’ve had an abundant number of moments where the words didn’t come to me, and I’ve had an equal number of situations where I’m not sure words would have made any difference.
I relived every one of those occasions and concentrated on what I could have done differently. Eventually I had enough history in my memory bank that I could draw from those experiences to improve my performance the next time an asshole wandered into my life. I think this behaviour is practical. I’m not sure if it’s common. It should be though. All winning sport teams have strategy sessions. Practice isn’t limited to scrimmages. Someone decided formations and set plays. Someone built a lineup designed for a particular opponent, and I think most of us include some sort of asshole planning into our ever day musing.
My wife doesn’t practice unless she’s forced. By forced, I mean that she only spends preparation time for a scheduled asshole event. Mostly family, work, or some variety of bureaucratic nonsense that you can see coming, and for one reason or another is unavoidable. She doesn’t get too stressed over random asshole encounters, and much prefers to walk away if at all possible.
I’m wired somewhat differently than my wife.
To clarify the above statement, I don’t actively seek out assholes. But I don’t avoid them either. What I like to do is calmly confront them with a question. The question is always the same, with minor variations depending on the circumstance. I simply and calmly ask them why they think it’s acceptable for them to act like an asshole. I usually don’t use the word asshole. People don’t react well to that label, although the situation sometimes merits the words use. Like I said, it depends on the circumstance. The more outrageous the behaviour, the higher the odds are that asshole will be verbally deployed.
But most of the time it’s as simple as asking a question with genuine curiosity, and then waiting for a response. No hostility, just a simple question.
For example.
I walked over to a table at a restaurant and asked a couple why they were letting their children run around while screaming in a voice that sounded like they were being forced into a van. Then I waited for an answer. No aggression or raised voice, simply a statement that I was wondering. They didn’t have an answer. But they called the waitress to their table after I left without that answer, and loudly instructed her to cancel their meal order because I had apparently hurt their feelings. Then I’m guessing they went to the drive through at MacDonalds.
My wife was mortified. When our waitress approached our table, my wife grabbed her purse because she thought we were going to be asked to leave. Instead, the waitress quietly informed us that the staff was thankful and someone from another table had paid for my drink.
I like to think I provided a public service, and there were two and maybe three positive outcomes. Outcome number one was everyone in the eatery got to enjoy their meal in an ambience suited to a steakhouse, and not Chucky Cheese. Outcome number two was I got a free drink. And outcome number three, although speculative, had the most potential benefit for civilization. The couple were going to remember me. They would probably remember me as an asshole, but coupled with that remembrance would be an uptick in their awareness of how they were parenting.
Everybody wins. The parents had a wake up call, the children were introduced to discipline and consequence, and future diners might get to enjoy a sixty dollar steak and lobster without the ambient background noises of glass shattering abduction squeals.
I think that about two thirds of the world are simply unaware that they’re being assholes, and a polite reminder is in order. I don’t know how long the reminder remains effective. I suppose that depends on their level of assiduity.
Some people need constant asshole awareness mentoring. But most people are too polite to provide that therapy and so we all get to endure until someone steps up to the plate, and assists them in seeing the world from another perspective other than their own.
And so what I’ve decided is that I can and shall endeavor to be calmly confrontational whenever the situation demands, and assuming I have the energy. Because it takes a certain amount of resolve to decide to confront assholery. But I make a calculation where I decide if not saying something is going to linger with me. I decide if I’m going to tell the restaurant story without concluding with I wish someone would have said something to them.
Then once the decision is made, I remove all hostility from my body language and my voice, and carry on with a polite behaviour inquiry.
So far so good. I’ve been called names and thrown dirty looks, but as yet no one’s taken a swing at me. So I’m assuming my methodology is sound.