I wonder all the time about the magic number. Reaching this number is unavoidable in my estimation. My vigilance in detecting when the number has been reached is unwavering.
There are signs to look for but you have to be looking, or else the number sneaks up on you and then everyone’s left wondering what the fuck just happened.
Sometimes the magic number is as low as two. Sometimes the magic number doesn’t make itself known until we’re into the millions.
So what is this number I speak of? This magic?
It’s the number of people required until that one fucking guy shows up who ruins everything. About half the time, the magic number is female, so as a race we’ve achieved a tenuous equity when it comes to that one person that can ruin an office, a friendship, a sporting team, a political party and eventually an entire nation.
I mentioned that these people can be detected. They usually don’t announce themselves and much prefer to be sneaky underhanded fucks. They despise open dialogue and prefer to do their work in the shadows or behind closed doors. They plant poisonous seeds of doubt and jealousy. They fabricate injustices and they thrive on a diet of discord. They are masters of disguise and can look and act like a normal human being as they spread their venom throughout whatever group they’ve chosen to infect.
I’ve worked in offices and played on sporting teams where everything was going great. We were on a roll, meeting project deadlines or in the midst of a ten game winning streak, and I know it’s odd but all that winning was making me nervous. I was starting to stress because I was sure the wreck it ralph fucker was hiding among us, waiting for the perfect moment to germinate chaos. I say germinate because I think the seed of discord exists in every person and the talent that guy possesses is knowing exactly how and when to pour some dark water onto that seed.
That guy begins his work with snippets of malevolence. Little rays of black light that waken the seed of discord in the vulnerable.
Office animosity in it’s infant stages sounds like this:
She makes more money than you, you know? Did you know they’re having a meeting without you? You’ve got at least as much ability, so how come you didn’t get lead on that project? Why is she going on that business trip and not you?
You’ll notice how slick that guy is? He hasn’t whined or sniveled about his own circumstance but instead has cultivated an ally and a dupe to do his bidding in one fell swoop. He’s adopted an appearance of looking like he cares deeply about your lot in life, and he just wants to help. It’s bullshit though. He’s just started a small fire in you and now that same helpful arsehole can barely contain his glee as he watches to see if you smolder or flame out.
Then he’s off to start his next fire. These people are serial psychological arsonists and every office needs a Smokey the bear to keep them perpetually doused in liquid accountability. Once the water hits them they transform to their true nature. One second they’re the stiletto wearing fashionably dressed twat from down the hall, but as soon as the water hits them their true Gollum shape momentarily appears as they slither away in search of the precious. Someone needs to keep them wet constantly so the Gollum in them is exposed and their black magic thwarted.
Nothing lasts forever. Everything we build is eventually going to sink, burn down or fucking explode. But for the life of me, I can’t understand why that guy is so damned compelled to destroy a functioning office or a stable relationship.
Everything about that guy is corrupt, and continuous corruption is all he has to offer. But the fucker is devious. He hides behind an illusion of fighting for the little guy or draining the swamp. He pretends to be one of you and he claims to give voice to your grievances. His claims are false by the way. He just likes how warm he feels from all the fires he’s ignited. He has no end goals and all of his solutions are simply to add more fire.
So, if you can’t douse the prick then you have one last alternative.
Make certain he burns too.