Our computer needed replacement and we weren’t getting the level of service that we thought we should get from our internet provider. So, I went to a computer store and bought all the necessary components to build a new computer and we acquired a new internet provider.
And so began a litany of first world electronic problems.
For starters, I consulted with a friend regarding the necessary computer parts to be purchased. He sent me a screen shot of all the cataloged items I needed from the Memory Express website. I was waiting in the line for nerd assistance and when my time came I promptly presented my phone with the aforementioned screenshot.
Nerd clerk had a look, and immediately assumed that I knew what the hell I was talking about based on the selections from the screenshot. So, when he suggested a couple of alternatives that were on sale I was pretty much fucked, and had to stop him mid-sentence and point out that I had nothing to do with the actual selections other than that I was going to pay for them.
For some reason he persisted and kept talking in terabytes and other shit that I was aware were real words, but that meant somewhere between little and nothing to me.
I think my phone confused him because he kept looking at the screenshot and then back at me and I was left with the impression that his facial features were visually saying does not compute. Which seems to me would be how nerd guys communicate confusion.
So to clarify things for him I pointed out that I barely scratch the capabilities of the phone he was holding in his hand, never mind the concept of building an actual computer. He seemed to understand and so I went and looked at headphones until they had tested the various parts, and then I paid and was on my way.
So far so good.
But then I had to wait for a Thursday after supper for the same friend that picked the parts to come to the house and assemble them. He has young kids and can’t break away until later in the evening, and so it took three weeks of Thursday’s to build the fucker and then transfer all the precious items from computer #1 to computer #2.
The data transfer was the most time consuming. I watched the process and drank beer with the assembler while this took place but I understood next to nothing that he did, and so I was struck with a pang of old time anxiety. The same kind I get when I open the hood on my vehicle. The anxiety from being old enough to expect to see a carburetor when the hood is opened, but instead you’re left staring at an aluminum shroud and a bunch of wiring and a box that you’re pretty sure is one of the turbo-chargers.
But, I’m not kidding myself. The only reason I open the hood these days is to add windshield washer fluid and that’s the same kind of useless anxiety I felt watching years of photographs and blogs and contacts transferred from one device to another.
The anxiety of being totally dependent on someone else to repair and assemble both cars and computers. And assorted other things involving cables, cords and fucking passwords.
So, now I’m having to relearn all the upgraded Microsoft shit and everything is different. Folders are in different places, files are in different places and our whole operating system seems alien. The keyboard is new and gmail is entirely different from outlook and so, its been a first world struggle around here lately.
Then because we had a new internet source, it was necessary to change our e-mail address. This turned out to be more painful than I thought it would be, and ultimately I think we lost some of our contacts and maybe some other shit that I’m not even aware of yet. The good news is that all of the old computer shit is in a folder and we have the option to go and look around if we realize that somethings missing.
Then I needed to change all of the e-mail addresses on banking and this blog and everything else that we had become used to dealing with without actually having to talk to or look another human in the eye. This turned out to be painful because for some fucking reason we needed a shitload of new passwords.
I fucking hate passwords. I get it that they’re necessary, but the sheer number of them require a password book to be kept, and I always feel like I’m taking a test when typing in a new mix of symbols, capital letters and numbers in order to be allowed access. There’s that moment of anxiety after the enter key is struck as you wait to see if you’ve somehow fucked up the password or the site recognizes and accepts said password.
Anyway, there’s still a few password issues but I suspect we’ll get them sorted eventually.
Then the new internet provider tech guy showed up. Our internet has since had a consistency issue and tech guy needs to return. When I was speaking with the provider people, the guy that answered the phone in British Columbia suggested to me that if any holes needed to be drilled through the floors to allow the cable to reach the modem, that it would be a good idea if I could do that myself.
I shall drill holes and await the tech return in a week or so. Hopefully once the modem is centrally located, the up and down speed issues will vanish.
So, then there’s Apple T.V. Because we changed our e-mail address, we needed to alter the information on Apple settings including a goddamned password. In typical password fucking fashion you need to receive an e-mail acknowledging your request for an I.D. alteration. The whole process just seems painful, and like I said earlier, it causes stress to boomers and others. Mostly boomers I guess.
Anyway, as the Apple changes were being made we became aware that our current Apple box was too old to receive the necessary software upgrades. So, we needed a new one and that led to more anxiety. Because after we shelled out a couple of hundred bucks for the box we found out that we had spare wires left over and we couldn’t get the fucking surround sound to work.
I think we solved the problem by plugging the optical cable from the surround sound receiver into the television instead of into the apple box. This was required because the new Apple box has no matching hole any longer. It works but now the surround sound for the regular TV doesn’t function, so there’s that issue left to sort out.
For some strange reason, once the new Apple device was plugged into everything and the right passwords were in place, the internet slowness and dropping out has stopped. It’s a mystery and I’ve been wondering if the Apple box is actually a modem and the old ones age was responsible for slowing the internet down in the house.
We’re suspicious that this is a coincidence and will wait a few more days before we cancel the revisit by the cable guy.
Finally, the biggest change that we’re dealing with.
We finally said to hell with it and cancelled our home phone line. Our reasoning was that my wife and I both have smart phones, so why the hell pay for a line that only gets used by friends and telemarketers.
This change is problematic. The largest part of the problem is that now I have to keep my bloody phone somewhere near me. I dislike always having to include my goddamn phone in the list of necessary items to take with me, as soon as I physically move from one spot to another. The second largest part of the problem is that the people who called our home line that we wanted to call are all our age.
So they’re having trouble adjusting to the new communication plan too.
I’m thinking in retrospect that we should have made all of these changes at different times so lessen the impact. But it’s mostly done and I think we’ll survive.