It seems kind of arrogant to claim that the end of Christianity, or even the end of humanity is in fact the end of time. Time will continue even if disease or war manages to erase every breathing human from the planet. There just won’t be any people left to flip the calendar. Time won’t even notice our absence. Time is like the honey badger. Time doesn’t give a fuck.
So, on that note let’s discuss the end of days. I’m not going to quote any bible stuff because I think the beast and golden throne and the rest of the prophecies of perdition are interpretive. I also think that given the state of humanity, there has always been good betting odds that we’re going to eventually fuck up so badly that an apocalypse sized whacking is in order.
I think that a prophesy of doom and destruction isn’t a unique thought. Every culture has one and there’s always been some mysterious cloaked figure foreseeing our doom. I think though, that all the stories are derived from observations of their time. Essentially, the fables are someone looking around at the murder and mayhem of their particular era, and reflecting in writing that if we keep this shit up, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that we’re fucked.
So, I’m going to ignore the idea that a God of any description would be responsible for a meteor or a flood or a pandemic large enough to erase all of us from the planet. Instead, I’m going to look at human contributions to our potential annihilation
For starters, we haven’t evolved at the same pace as our technology. We’re essentially baboons with ballistic missiles. This is not a good thing in case you’re wondering. In fact, we don’t even need a war to induce a nuclear winter. We could manage it by accident. If you think that Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and Fukushima are our only radioactive slip ups then you need to reconsider. We’ve actually had a little over a hundred atomic misadventures since the end of the second world war. To give that statistic some perspective, consider that Boeing grounded their supermax after two crashes………….. because it was unsafe.
Anyway, I’m going to ignore pestilence, plague and plutonium as catalysts for end of days. I shall further ignore over population, global warming, pollution and fresh water shortages.
Instead I’m going to look at some day to day occurrences that I consider harbingers of our fate. Ominous signs that make me mutter to myself that we’re approaching the end of times. Not necessarily from one cataclysmic event, but from an accumulation of minute by minute idiocy perpetrated by the 7.7 billion inhabitants of this rock we call home. My thoughts wander to end of days because I can’t help but think that the higher the number of morons, the better the odds that someone is going to accidentally leave the door opened at the CDC, or give the nuclear football to a mental case.
Here’s another way to illustrate my sense of foreboding.
If you had a computer that each day grew in size, I think it would be prudent to not just let the programs run amok. If you had 7.7 billion programs and half of them were corrupted, then it would only be a matter of time before your computing device crashes spectacularly. Don’t you think?
So, on to the omens presented to me in just one day.
Omen one.
I was grocery shopping and was debating buying a left over thanksgiving turkey if there were some on sale. Upon my arrival, I watched a lady park her Ford Fusion directly in the traffic lane in the parking lot. She just parked. There were no lines indicating spaces for vehicles because she was in the middle of the fucking road. But, she was conveniently close to the entrance, so there’s that. End of times I muttered to myself, as I maneuvered around her and searched for a parking spot.
Omen two.
I needed a cart and I stood behind another lady that also needed a cart. She tried, but was unable to figure out how to free her cart from the chain that bound it to the rest of the grocery wagons. I watched this woman get out of her truck from the drivers side, so she didn’t get to the store on a bus for emptyheads. She operated a few tons of moving steel through pedestrians and she was stymied by the cart. End of times I muttered to myself as I walked to another cart area.
Omen three.
I didn’t offer to assist the confused cart woman. I just said fuck it and left her to her own devices. End of times I thought, when you won’t take the time to help an idiot.
Omen four.
I had acquired a cart and made my way to the entrance. The first set of doors opened, but entry to the store itself was impossible. Impossible because a group of shoppers had decided to stop and have a chat directly in front of the inside of door number two. It was kind of a bizarre scene. The second automatic doors opened for me and the chatters paid no heed. Then the doors closed. Then the doors opened again and still……chatters. This happened three times. The fourth time I held the door opened and suggested they move. They did in fact move, but two of the three door blockers looked at me with………….I don’t know…..anger maybe? End of days, I muttered to myself, as I contemplated how gratifying it would be to punch one of the angry faced door blockers.
Omen five.
I had made my way to the meat section. A bloody aproned, hair net lady was filling the coolers with fresh slaughter, and so I asked her if they had any left over turkeys for sale. She confirmed that they had some in the back. She then asked me how large of a turkey I required and if I would like it unthawed? I had assumed that in back meant the turkeys were frozen and now I wasn’t sure how to communicate with this person. So I asked her to describe unthawed for me. She sighed and looked at me like I had a disability, but she complied with my request. Eventually I understood that unthawed meant not frozen. All of the turkeys were in the freezer and I would have to unthaw it at home, she gently explained to her mentally challenged customer. I collected my turkey and walked away thinking, end of times,when I’ve just been kindly patronized because I found unthawed confusing. I also wondered if it was her Ford in the parking lot.
Omen six.
The city was performing some maintenance work on some traffic lights at an intersection on my way home. No one was directing traffic and so we were left to our own devices. The guy in front of me stopped at the non-lighted intersection. He was confused by the lack of lights and so I guess he said fuck it because he just stayed there. While I waited for him to sort out the dilemma, I had time to observe drivers coming from the other three directions. Some people just blew right through the intersection. No light was telling them to stop right? Some people stopped and checked to make sure they weren’t going to get t-boned by the blow through assholes. My guy froze. After a bit I gently tapped my horn to encourage him to do something. He turned in his seat so I could see his bright red face and then started screaming something at me as he wildly gesticulated at the non-functioning lights. He gave me both fingers when I finally drove around him. For all I know, he’s still there, languishing at the lights without food or water.
End of times I thought, end of times.