Ch, ch, ch, ch, changes. Turn and face the strange.
I was wondering if I could accurately identify how I’ve changed over the years. I’m not talking about physical changes. A person shouldn’t have to wonder too much about something you can see in a mirror. No, I’m talking about changes in attitude that I’ve made with or without a conscious decision.
The whole thought process started because our towns annual winter carnival starts today. Back in the day, I’d have been attending the events and maybe even participating in a broomball or hockey tournament. Also any form of beer gardens or musical show would have been a must attend on my winter calendar.
Now, my primary thought around carnival is to make sure we have beer and food in enough quantity at home, so that I don’t need to get anywhere near the crowds of assholes slowing down traffic and generally inconveniencing me on their mission to see fireworks or ice sculptures. So, that’s one of those changes I’m talking about.
Ch, ch, ch, ch, changes. Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older.
Ageing is in and of itself, a change. Growing older is inevitable though and the changes that accompany growing older come at us just the way we like them.
Slowly and with subtlety so we don’t have to think about it.
I always supress a tinge of mild annoyance when people remark that they don’t know where the time went. I can’t tell them exactly where it went but I can sure as fuck tell them how it went. It went by in seconds. Sixty seconds always made a minute. Sixty minutes were an hour. Twenty four hours were a day. That’s how, and if you were unaware of the passage of time then the only real excuse is to have been in a coma.
Where the time went is another matter. A minute is a minute for everyone but how you spend that minute is mostly up to you. There are exceptions obviously. If you’re in a prison for example, then how you spend your time isn’t up to you any longer. I think though that an argument could be made that the minutes you allotted to planning and committing a felony were made with prison as a distinct possibility. So a choice was still made and now you’re living with the consequences. You made a conscious choice to do time as opposed to waste it or wonder where the hell it went.
Anyway, I guess I needed to get that off my chest but I’ll try to stay on topic. I was wondering how I’ve changed and I was wondering if I’m aware of the changes.
Have I become more or less liberal? Has my patience for people diminished? Have I become closed minded to certain personality types or maybe even dismissive of whole groups of people? Am I quicker or slower to judge? Am I more or less confident?
Have I acquired an ability to pay attention to detail? Have my tastes in food and alcohol and music and literature become more sophisticated? Have I learned to appreciate creature comforts, and do I take advantage of both opportunities and good fortune?
I don’t know. Sometimes I guess. It depends what kind of mood I’m in, how much money we have to afford change, and how much pain is coming my way if I don’t change.
This line of thought shall require further contemplation.
I think I can say with a fair degree of certainty that the changes in my life have been mostly reactive. I changed when I needed to, and very few of the course changes I’ve made in life have been proactive. That’s not to say that I couldn’t see the need for change coming, but most of the time I still waited until the change was absolutely necessary.
So, maybe it’s fair to say that I didn’t change so much as I’ve reacted by adapting. That’s not a great realization. Kind of shitty really, because it tells me that I could do a much better job of thinking through this being alive thing. Maybe plan ahead for fuck sakes.
Also.
What if all these adaptations have subtlety altered my perspective on life? What if the adaptations have included little personality tweaks that accompanied an unavoidable change like a job loss, or a divorce or a bigger mortgage because of those fucking kids? What if you’ve slowly turned into a mean spirited prick and you’re not sure how the hell it even happened?
This too shall require some further contemplation. I don’t think I’ve morphed into a mean spirited prick but I guess I’ll ask around for some confirmation one way or another.
Maybe not though. I might have to change.