Commercials

I was watching television with my wife. She hates it when I switch to a backup channel during commercials, because we might miss something by the time I return. The whole process is a challenge for me. I like to return to the original channel just as the commercials end to demonstrate my timing prowess. My wife isn’t impressed with this skill, so we were watching the fucking ads.

I guess it makes sense that advertising is designed to target people that someone decided will be watching a specific type of show, but if you’re outside the target group then the ads are pretty much pointless. Profiling is bad for cops and good for advertisers, but in both cases you’ve got to get your target group right.

For example, if you’re watching a show on Oprah’s network, the ads are invariably directed at women. The only pads that aren’t advertised are brake pads. In order to impress a message on your target audience the tactic is to repeat the same commercial over and over again ad nauseum.

ad nauseum….snicker.

Anyhow, I was seriously beginning to lose my shit over the data someone collected that determined eighty percent of women are using the wrong sized pad. How the fuck did they get that data? Did they send someone to conduct a survey in the mall? Did they stand outside a drug store or the panty section in Target and ask random women to answer a couple of questions? It’s ridiculous and I think they’re just making up shit because they think no one is going to question their sizing statistics.

I’m not bothered by the leaking discussion though. It’s a tad gross, but it’s life. Here’s what bugs me. I think that if your average woman were unable to contain a river of flow with a pad designed for a trickle, that they can figure that shit out without a fucking commercial. I find it hard to believe that same average woman wouldn’t immediately learn from her first judgement error. The commercial is fucking insulting.

Anyway, the pad commercial wasn’t airing during the show I was watching with my wife. I just got distracted for a second.

What was on were two commercials. One was for a furniture store and the other was for an all inclusive satellite, home data network. Both ads featured a couple of gay dudes. The gay dudes didn’t bother me but the fucking ads did. First of all, in both commercials the gay guys were cuddling on the furniture. In one of them the advertiser was suggesting that their entertainment was so compelling that the cuddling guys took their shoes off and made popcorn and got something to drink.

First of all, no one cuddles on the couch in a furniture or Verizon store. I’ve been in these stores and I have yet to see a cuddling couple stretched out on a couch watching a movie with their shoes off. Gay, straight or otherwise, it doesn’t fucking happen. Secondly, these guys were so comfortable that one of them made popcorn and tea. Who the fuck has a cup of tea with popcorn? That’s like having milk with licorice. It’s fucking stupid.

I’m pretty sure that gay couples buy furniture just like everyone else. One guy wants to talk weave and color and the other guy just wants to be able to get the fucking sectional down the stairs. If you want to make gay couples inclusive in society then stop making commercials where their behaviour is different from how everyone else behaves. Gay couples do not cuddle on the furniture in the Brick, and a person’s sexual orientation has fuck all to do with being smart enough to realise a scalding hot beverage isn’t ideal for removing the popcorn husk that’s annoyingly stuck in your throat.

Tea for Christ sakes. I was confused. Is tea gay? Do gay guys not like iced drinks with popcorn? Why weren’t they drinkng iced tea? What do gay couples buy at the theater concession? I had so many questions.

My wife listened to my voiced observations and told me again how terrifying it would be to be trapped inside my head.

But I wasn’t finished with her. I needed a sounding board and she was the only one available so she had to put up with a bit more of my speculation, Not once the show restarted but during the next stupid commercial.

I assumed that in order to produce a commercial that you need a script and actors. My wife agreed with that assessment. The script is relatively straight forward. Make sure the language isn’t going to hurt anyone’s feelings and the product name gets repeated over and fucking over again. But how does the discussion go regarding actor selection? Who decides that the couple will be two guys or two girls? Who decides if the couple will be all white, all black, all Asian or a combination of one kind or another? Is there a white board in the ad office that keeps track? Do they have an Asian board and a Black board? Does an alarm bell sound if too many black guys are portrayed with white female partners? Once the alarm goes off does Karen from recruiting spring into action to find a black woman and a white guy for the next sleep comfort commercial?

And who made the tea decision?

Also when the agency needs a family, how the fuck do they cast for those roles? Once you mix up the demographics then do you have to find kids that look like a combination of mom and dad? I guess it’s easier casting kids for a two man family because they’re probably adopted so they could just say fuck it and have one black guy, one white guy and two Asian kids.

I know a woman who works in advertising. I need to ask her these questions because my wife was pretty clear that she doesn’t care.