Everybody lies, I get it. But there’s a difference between lying and being emotionally dishonest. Let’s say for example you’re pissed off at a friend or significant other. If your anger is clearly expressed in your tone of voice and body language and you claim that nothing is bothering you then you’re being emotionally dishonest.
What you’re doing is communicating your anger and at the same time refusing to own that anger. The conversation can’t continue with an aim to a solution because you’re verbalizing that there isn’t a problem when everyone involved knows fucking well that there’s a problem.
So, everyone else gets to live with your anger or frustration or whatever the fuck emotion you’re grappling with, and two important things have been prevented from occurring. I mentioned the first of those important things in the last paragraph. The looking for a solution concept. The second non-occurrence is that the other party to the anger is robbed of the opportunity to point out that your anger is misplaced, misguided or even childishly fucking stupid.
I think that a good portion of our emotional dishonesty is deliberate. We do it because we know that our reason for being pissy isn’t going to look particularly mature and so we want to avoid having someone point it out.
So, best of both worlds. Everyone that’s evolved enough to read some body language understands that you’re upset. They might not understand why you’re mad and if they can guess why you’re pissed then they might not agree that you have a valid all the way grown up reason. But the magic here is that you don’t have to explain yourself.
Because you said you’re not mad. Nothing’s the matter , I’m fine.
It’s kind of an artform really and the ability transcends cultures and languages. All you need to do is have a conflict of body language and vocal tones to express that you’re frustrated and you’ve nailed it.
An example.
You and a host of other vehicles are clearly speeding. The cops arrive and you get pulled over. After the insurance and license are passed back and forth, the cop arrives back at your window with your ticket. The whole time you’ve been sitting in your car with a slow burn going on. You’re pissed because you got selected. You know your argument that everyone was speeding isn’t going to hold water but you’re still irate at your selection. After receiving your ticket the cop can see your anger and asks, “Do you understand the reason you were pulled over and is there a problem? ”
Of course there’s a problem. The cop understands that you’re angry from your body language and the tone of your voice. But you muster a “no officer, everything’s fine” with just enough sarcasm to make sure he understands, but not too much so he searches your car or pulls his gun. The cop then accepts your words at face value but holds eye contact long enough to indicate that he understands you’re angry and that you’re politely lying.
It’s sort of a win, win situation that has been accepted as a societal norm in communicating with our fellow inhabitants of the planet. Everybody gets it and almost no one challenges the mixed signals. Instead we walk away and stew about the interaction.
So. rather than have a confrontation with a chance at a resolution, we select a deferral and nothing gets solved.
Because no one’s mad. We’re fine.