Manipulation is paradoxical.
Its contradictory nature demonstrated by the fact that everyone manipulates, but everyone pretends to hate being manipulated. I think though, that the hatred of being shaped only applies when you realize it’s happening, or when you’re being coerced into an action you find distasteful. Most people tend to find clumsy manipulation insulting, and prefer that the deceiver apply some subtlety and artfulness to their trickery. A buy me dinner and some flowers before you screw me scenario.
Manipulation is ubiquitous.
It’s everywhere and anywhere and takes on all forms and shapes. It cloaks itself in a myriad of disguises, and its pervasiveness is so thorough that we hardly notice its existence. And so it hides in plain sight, all the while influencing, shaping and distorting our perceptions.
Manipulation is a gentle shove.
How do I shove thee? Let me count the ways. Propaganda, guilt, obligation, honor, loyalty, patriotism, advertising, tribalism, religion, lies, threats, fear, entreaties, tradition, shame, and………….did I mention lies?
Lies are popular tools for the less adroit manipulators when they can’t obligate your participation with one of the methods I referenced in the preceding paragraph. The package of accepted and unnoticed lies called religion, tradition, and patriotism .
Some manipulative lies are the tangled web variety, intricately woven, bordering on an almost evil genius. Some aren’t sophisticated at all, but the timing of the lie is exceptional, like the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq fabrications. In either case it’s incumbent on the manipulator to understand their audience. A good manipulator saves their best acts of mendacity for the unwilling. The predisposed are much more likely to accept sloppy prevarication. Pointing people in a direction they already want to go isn’t manipulation so much as it’s an excuse provided to the willing. The excuse looks like manipulation at first glance, and the pointee’s can claim they weren’t acting of their own volition and aren’t fully responsible for their actions.
An example is in order I think.
If you show up at a New Years party with a case of whiskey, then it shouldn’t be too surprising if the party people end up hammered. That’s enabling. You’ve provided the catalyst and an excuse for the enabled to blame you for their hangover.
But if you spike the party refreshments with tasteless 90 % alcohol and no one knows, then that’s manipulative. You’ve managed to inebriate a roomful of people without their awareness or consent because you felt like toying with them for reasons only you understand.
I try very hard to not be manipulated. But it’s not an easy goal because it requires you to perpetually be on guard. It’s actually kind of exhausting. It’s like being a sea wall and the waves of manipulation ebb and flow against you but they never stop. During the ebb moments you can be lulled into believing that they’re gone, but the waves are still there, ceaselessly eroding away your foundation.
So, I think I’m going to have to settle for being difficult to manipulate as opposed to absolutely immune from the influence and desires of others. My goal is to cause people to think before they waste their efforts on me. I want them to consider if they need something from me or just want something.
Because I’m determined to make the wanting part as challenging as possible.
Having said all of that, I have to admit that I also manipulate. But the need to impel others in a direction I like has dropped off drastically as I get older and disengage from complicated social interactions.
Like work.
I now live in a reality where I’m almost exclusively surrounded by people I can be blunt and honest with. For the most part they don’t get hurt feelings when I state candidly that I’m not going to participate in whatever scheme they’re currently incubating.
It’s not perfect but it’s the best I can manage at the moment.