I have difficulty with people who think that hugging is standard practice when greeting another person. I never know what to do with my arms, and I’m reasonably certain that the person hugging me can feel my body stiffen as soon as they force their way into my personal space.
Some people ignore the stiffening, and some people comment on the stiffening. Without fail the comment people straight up tell me that I have a problem that I need to address. Not them, me. I should add that the commenting people are damned near exclusively female. In fact, I’m trying to recall instances where I was hugged by another male, and I’m drawing a blank. I know it’s happened but I can’t remember a specific male on male hugging occurrence. I may have erased any memory of those moments, because I’m left with a lingering certainty that it’s happened, but I’m not sure who it was, or when it was.
I thought at first that any male hugs had to be from close friends or family, but I cannot for the life of me recall even one instance of familial male on male contact where I was one of the participants. Handshakes yes, shoulder clasps yes, but that’s it.
Except for one of my nephews who makes a point of hugging whenever there’s a crowd, and a half assed formal welcome to our home is required.
Like Christmas.
But I know he’s doing it for three reasons. First of all his mom put him up to it, and secondly he knows it bothers me. The third reason requires some exploration I think. The final reason is that there’s no real method to escape from a hugger. A person is compelled to oblige, and in my nephews case he understands the power of the societal expectation, and he finds it hilarious that I’m awkwardly fucked. However, I’m not required to hug him back, and so at least the confusion about what to do with my arms is resolved.
Shit…..I just remembered a male friend that hugs. He’s a ripped six foot three gentleman that used to live here, but moved to Eastern Ontario. He calls me brother though, and as soon as one male calls another male brother when you’re not really brothers, then the hugging odds go up considerably. I was the best man in his wedding so we’re more than casual friends, and we only see each other a couple of times a year, so it’s not like it’s an everyday Lord Of The Rings men hugging men thing.
There’s a lot of male on male hugging in the Lord Of the Rings. Except with the elves and Gandalf. No one hugs the white wizard, and the elves are too stoic for that shit. I get this sense that if males have been through some arduous challenge together, then there’s more hugging involved, and I kind of get that. There’s a deeper bond if you’ve made it through the playoffs together, or survived an Orc assault on your citadel.
But I just kind of get it. I still think there are other options that can be explored. Like a complicated handshake, a salute or a Japanese bow. In fact, I’m a fan of the Japanese greeting. No physical contact and all the honorific requirements are taken care of from about three feet away from one another.
I think that height has something to do with hugging. The average height of a Canadian woman is five feet four inches. The average male height is five feet nine inches. So, when women hug men they don’t need to deal with a face to face encounter, and they can turn their head into the mans chest. But when two guys hug they have to deal with a face to face situation, and they have to make an effort to not touch cheeks. So boy on boy hugs tend to be more clumsy because there’s a spatial problem. You have to keep your head positioned properly so you end up with an embrace, but with a bent upper back and a lean to the side to avoid a cheek to cheek.
There are exceptions obviously. Some guys don’t give a fuck and there’s a cultural component as well, but I’m confident in saying that most guys don’t want to get close enough to actually touch faces.
Regardless of the male exceptions, I still think it’s mostly fully grown adult females that initiate and generate hugging as an integral part of a greeting. I’ve also noticed a direct correlation between emotional events and the uptick in hugging. So, I suppose it makes sense that if females are more in touch with their emotions, and an event generates some sort of emotional response, then hugging women are going to be everywhere.
Like funerals. There’s a lot of hugging at funerals.
In fact, I was just at a service last week and the disparity between male and female greetings was hard to miss. There were lots of people there that I hadn’t seen in a while, and so I was compelled to reacquaint with old workmates and friends that have kind of drifted away. Only one guy hugged me, but it was brief and it was more of an arm across my shoulder. Also, the dude in question calls me brother which confirms my earlier observation. But that guy aside, all the other male on male interactions were at most a handshake.
Not the case with the women.
Remember a paragraph or three ago where I was talking about a societal obligation to not be a dick by pushing a hugger away? Well, that obligation is even more compulsory at a funeral, and there was no escaping the de rigueur of greetings in an emotionally charged situation.
So, I tried to stay about four feet away from the girls during those greeting moments. Close enough that handshakes were possible with their husbands, but far enough away to discourage hugging. It didn’t work. Women have no hugging boundaries and they don’t even acknowledge that the four feet exists.
And because of that fucking emotional component, the hugging was longer than usual and more vigorous. Closer and with squeezing involved.
I think that if someone were watching me in one of these moments that they might conclude that I look slightly panicked. I hope that I hide it, but that’s how I feel and I’m thinking it shows. And the longer the embrace is held the more obligated I feel to make an effort to reciprocate. That means that a brief pat on the back isn’t going to suffice. I suppose the upside is that I know what I’m supposed to do with my arms, but I still have a moment where I have to summon the will to force one arm to respond. Not two. Two arms is an embrace, and a two armer is reserved for occasions where tears and years are part of the equation.
I should add that I’m not a robot. I genuinely like about ninety nine percent of the people that hug me. But, I like them just as much when they’re three feet away from me.