I’ve been watching the Olympics. I didn’t really want to but there’s a ton of it on t.v. and it’s pretty much been unavoidable. Also, no matter what kind of competition is going on, I can’t help but feel like I should pay attention once Canadians enter the stadium or pool or…………….skate board park?
Yup, skateboard park.
Also there’s a BMX track with big people on little bikes and sandy volleyball with no beach in sight. Plus a gymnasium climbing wall and a break dancing mat. Or mats, I’m not sure. I missed that event but I’m guessing there’s more than one mat, so mats.
I’m not saying it’s an easy path to make it to the Olympics to compete in any of the events. I’m guessing there’s been plenty of wipe outs, concussions and fractures on the little bikes and skateboards that polysporin couldn’t fix. I also couldn’t help but wonder how many epic mid-air collisions and belly flops had to be endured before the divers perfected their art. So, there’s no denying that skill, genetics and perseverance are necessary to be the best at anything in the world.
It makes sense that the Olympics had to evolve to represent the world as it is today. I don’t think there would be many sponsors lining up to bankroll naked Greek men and boys wrestling and riding horses. So, we have beach volleyball and synchronized swimming, ping pong and surfing, because that’s what advertisers and the IOC think people will watch.
The surfing is in Tahiti though. It’s sort of a French Island I guess, and it’s tough to hang cinq in Paris.
I had always thought that the original Olympics were displays of warfare skills. Javelins and discus and punching each other in the face kinds of things. But it turns out that the Greeks enacted a truce during the Olympiad, and all the Greek city states stopped kicking the shit out of each other for a month or two to watch naked Spartans wrestle mostly naked Athenians.
So it was a break from warfare.
And the entire event was a tribute to Zeus, which someone should tell the Christians about so they stop fucking whining about the opening ceremonies.
The original Olympics was also strictly a dudefest. Some historians argue that maidens were allowed to spectate, but married women were strictly forbidden, and there were zero female competitors. Not sure what the logic was with the spectators. I guess the unmarried ladies were free to view the swinging dicks, but the married ladies didn’t need to see any dicks other than hubby’s dick.
So we’ve added sporting events that reflect the current state of interest on the planet. And we decided to let the ladies compete, which is a good thing for Canada because we’d probably have about three medals instead of the twenty one currently hanging around our athlete’s necks if it was just the boys.
As a result of the success of the Canadian women, most of my Olympic viewing has been watching the women. My first impression has been that Paris is the Summer Olympics, and by that I mean Summer McIntosh. My second impression is that she’s not old enough to vote and barely old enough to drive, and she’s already generated more Canadian pride than any sporting success since the Vancouver golds in hockey. (Everyone remembers Sidney Crosby and the golden goal but forgets that the women won gold too.) My third impression is that the Canadian women’s soccer team got a royal screwing over from FIFA. I was hoping they would continue to win but the effort they displayed has made me a fan, and I intend to keep an eye on them in the future.
In fact, the adversity the soccer team faced makes me think that they would be about even with Summer for the honor of carrying the Canadian flag in the closing ceremonies. So, the women’s soccer team should carry Summer, and Summer should carry the flag. A fuck you FIFA from Canada statement seems appropriate in my estimation.
My wife just walked by and informed me that the Canadian men just won gold in the 100 meter relay. So, I think I need to amend my flag scenario. Andre De Grasse is part of that golden team. He’s the relay anchor which is a term that has always struck me as odd because anchors generally drag you down. But a gold medal would suggest that no downward dragging was involved. This means that Andre now has seven Olympic medals, and that ties him with Penny Oleksiak for the most by a Canadian.
So the Soccer team needs to carry Andre and Summer, and both of them can share the flag, It would be like the Canadian version of surf and turf presented on a platter. Then they can both tell FIFA to go fuck themselves.
So back to the girls and impressions.
Beach volleyball looks hard. I’ve tried to run in the sand on a few occasions and my calves cramped up fairly quickly. I wasn’t trying to return a service or block a spike either, and so the physical prowess of the ladies was on display. In fact just about every part of the women volleyballers was on display. Ass and abs primarily, which I guess is to be expected when your uniform is a bikini. I’m not complaining by the way. I’m a huge fan of the shape of a fit female behind, but I’ve got to admit the thought crossed my mind that a bikini crammed up an intergluteal cleft looks uncomfortable. It also occurred to me that women have some issues that men don’t have to even consider, like making sure to apply sunscreen to two sets of cheeks.
Plus there’s sand, and sand is abrasive, so you’d think that a skin tight pair of shorts would be a better choice for preventing sandy intrusion.
Skin tight is actually an apt description for the majority of Olympic attire. I assume that when you’re dealing with a hundredth of a second being the difference between winning and losing that every bit of drag has to be considered. This isn’t just a female issue either. The male swimmers and track and field participants have no choice but to dick display, and I’m pretty sure that anyone watching is aware of the jiggling junk as the sprinters sprint.
I tried watching some synchronized swimming and I’m still trying to sort out my impression of the event. It’s obviously difficult, but at the same time it looked like a beauty pageant where the contestants have to hold their breath for half the time. I decided after a while that as much effort was spent on synchronicity of looks as was spent on synchronicity of moves. It was kind of creepy actually as they all emerged from under water with identical forced smiles. I couldn’t watch much of it though because I didn’t understand how the hell they were judged, and I kept wondering if any of the competitors were booted off a team for a foot fungus or an odd shaped toe.
I’m thinking the sport caters to a pretty specific audience, and sorry but I’m not fitting the demographic.
As I’m typing this my newsfeed prompt is letting me know that the event taking place at this moment is artistic swimming, and to be honest I’m not even curious enough to go see what the hell artistic swimming might be.
So now I’m wondering what the next Olympics might bring as far as new events. Rap battles maybe? Nah probably not. Too many language issues, and the judges would have to be polyglots to discern the value of a Swahili response to a Mandarin dis.
Screw it, now that I’ve gone down this path I’m going to go out on a limb and make some suggestions/predictions.
Maybe now that break dancing has entered the picture they could add ballroom, swing and line dancing. Also now that golf is an event, then why not add a long driving contest?
Then add:
Competitive tag, parkour, Ninja warrior, paintball, jousting and cage fighting.
I think also that the host country should be able to add an event that’s a cultural mainstay from their particular country. So if Madrid hosts next then a running with the bulls event, or that people stacking thing would be added. Canada and for sure the U.S. could add a running from the cops high speed chase, and England could add cheese rolling. England could also suggest a fox hunt, but people would bitch. Although if enough activists showed up to protest slaughtering furry critters then the IOC could add crowd dispersal as an event. Points deducted if your dispersal team kills someone.
Finally, and my personal favorite for an added event would be a battle of the politicians. Either in a cage or on a gladiatorial setting I think it would be totally appropriate. The Olympics are about politics as much as they’re about sports, so lets cut the bullshit and let the politicians and dictators beat the shit out of each other in some fashion or another. We’re going to need some rules though, because it’s pretty likely that most countries would conveniently elect a Mike Tyson or Connor MacGregor type just before the Olympics.
So, a random draw from every countries political pool and we’re off to the races. Further consideration would be needed to decide if we go with equity or divide the events by sex, age and weight. These are minor details that can be sorted though. I personally would love to see a 75 to 85 year old cage fight.
Seriously it would be awesome. Particularly if you can set it up so conflicting ideologies face off. Marjorie Taylor Green vs Justin Trudeau for example. Speaking of ideologies I’m going to make my final suggestion for gladiatorial combat.
The battle of the ideologies.
Climate change activists vs fracking proponents. Feminists vs mananists. Vegans vs cattle ranchers. Christians vs Muslims. Hindus’ vs Muslims and Jews vs Muslims. In fact with a little planning we could have all the religious sects fight each other for the gold. Catholics vs Protestants’, Sunni vs Shiites and Baptists vs Mormons.
The battle of the beliefs is a virtual goldmine in my opinion and the IOC should give it some consideration. Fuck the pretense and the forced niceties.
Lets get ready to rumble.