Whales

I was watching the impeachment proceedings on American television. The partisan divide was astonishing to watch in action, regardless of how predictably the members behaved. In fact, I found it difficult to believe that the participants were all claiming to be from the same country, and that both could claim with a straight face to be working in the interests of that country.

In my opinion, the republicans fared much poorer than the Democrats, and said Republicans came across as petulant and dishonest. As the proceedings proceeded, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the minds of the people that had voted to have Nunes and Gym Jordan look out for their interests in Washington. Granted, the Republicans didn’t have much to work with, and Mr. Trump’s twitter feed wasn’t much help, but I don’t feel as if the constituents of California’s twenty second and Ohio’s fourth districts were well served. Assuming of course, that well served means finding and understanding the truth.

But hey, that’s just the opinion of an outsider looking in.

Anyway, I began to wonder about the current American political setup. The two party system. It seems that there are die hard red people and there are die hard blue people. These people are the most likely to use the terms fascist and socialist when describing the other color. These people are predictable and can be enumerated. Then there’s the independents, or people who dislike both colors, and make a last minute voting decision to support the candidate they despise the least.

So, the questions I had were, how many independent voters are there and why don’t they have their own color? The answer to the first question is 42% according to a 2017 poll. The second part of the question is a little more complicated, but in the end I think the answer is one that ends up being the answer to most American questions.

Money. You need lots and lots of money to be an official color.

I’m not certain how many independent issues there are. It’s much more likely that the independent voters are a hybrid of red and blue. An ever evolving purple that sometimes displays more red than blue and vice versa.

One purple voter likes gun control but dislikes abortion rights. The next purple voter likes assault rifles but also thinks reproductive rights are paramount. Neither red nor blue, but forced to select one or the other regardless of your purple hue.

Anyway.

I was watching the impeachment hearings and I was thinking that all of the white males of America should have their own political party. The wh from white and the ale from male can be combined to create the Whale party. Screw those donkey and elephant people, a whale mascot would be bad-ass. There would most certainly be factions within the whale party. Some Whales would be sperm whales and some would be alt-wright whales. The older white guys could be humpback whales and ex-military men could be pilot and killer whales.

I suppose I shouldn’t be sexist here. The word female has ale in it as well, so I suppose white women would be welcome in the whale party as well. They might not like the mascot though, as there seems to be some female distaste toward identifying as a whale. Also, I’m not sure the ladies would like to be part of the sperm whale caucus. It would only be a matter of time until someone discovered that sperm whale cock us kind of rolls itself into a decent insult. Then the whales would have to harrumph and act indignant.

I think the Whales idea has some potential.

So, now we need a party for the Trump base, the further to the left people, and for people of color. I’m assuming that the base don’t really want to be whales because there’s a lot of education and implied elitism in the pod. So the base or lesser educated white people probably need their own party and mascot.

Maybe they could choose a coyote as a mascot. Then if old Don is replaced by younger Don they could still be Don-Coyotes, secure in their Quixotic belief that they’re right and society is wrong. Sounds kind of complicated for the red hatters though, and Cervantes sounds Mexican, so the Don-Coyotes may need a rethink. Also.I guess in some places Coyotes are considered vermin, kill your cat when you’re not looking assholes, so not the best of mascot choices.

It’s difficult to capture all of the qualities of the base and then find an animal that best represents those qualities. For starters the faces of the base at any of the rally’s is a white out, so, they need a white animal ideally. Also, that white mascot will need to demonstrate an animal affinity for conspiracy theories and religion. I was thinking that Chimpanzee’s or Gorilla’s might work. They know how to use basic tools and thunder storms frighten and baffle them. But calling anyone an ape is pretty insulting, and besides, chimps and gorilla’s are black…………so not very white. Baboons and Orangutans aren’t black but I’m pretty sure calling someone a baboon is also kind of rude. Plus Orangutan is hard to spell.

Oh well, even Orwell couldn’t figure it out. He put the pigs in charge with their dog police and then just said screw it and called all the workers the common animals. And I might add that even though snowball was a pig, it’s kind of eerie that these days snowflake is used to refer to the intellectuals.

Maybe if Don loses the election, or for some reason the senate decides to boot him before 2020, then the red-hatters can create their own party and sort their mascot out for themselves.

So, how about a mascot for the people of color party? A doberman might not be a bad choice. They’re a good mix of black and brown and they can be intimidating. An intimidating mascot isn’t the worst idea, although apparently not necessary when you consider the democrat donkey. I don’t know what to call this party though.

The Blatino’s maybe?

That leaves the leftists. I have to confess that I have difficulty grasping what an average American or Albertan considers left. I’m accustomed to socialized medicine so I don’t see anything wrong with a government providing healthcare, but shitloads of healthy Americans disagree. I also don’t believe everyone should be allowed an assault rifle, and apparently the Americans who share that thought are commie lib leftists.

Leftist is turning out to be difficult to nail down. For the sake of argument let’s say that it’s anyone who want’s laws to protect health and tax wealth. Insulin cost and AR-15 control, and no more tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires as examples.

Hippies, students, gay people, intellectual elites and pacifists I guess.

These people shall require a laid back mascot and a party name that’s inclusive and non-threatening. Honey bee’s might work. They can’t go with Apoidea because that would include wasps and hornets and those fuckers are always up to no good. Also wasp is taken and you don’t want to steal from the Protestants. Apis and Bombus should suffice and that would include honey and bumble. Everyone working together in the communal hive works as far as messaging goes but the queen part is problematic.

The new Beelieve party perhaps.

The beetnicks, beesexuals, beespectacled and the beacekeepers.

Anyway, I wish America good fortune with your impeachment inquiry witch hunt.